Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
