She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
