What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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