It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
