Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
