I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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