Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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