i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
