I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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