Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
