Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
