Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
