so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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