all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
