found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
