So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Randomize
