Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
