so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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