Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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