I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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