sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
