I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
