I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I smell stomach acid.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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