Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
