yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
