I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
