It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
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She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
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My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
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I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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