He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
