The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
they need to just BURY HIM!
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
