hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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