There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
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