dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
