If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
