And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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