somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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