you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
