I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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