you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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