my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
