I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
