my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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