Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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