i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
