you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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