I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
