Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
