just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
