its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
