I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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