Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
