I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
