i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
