this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
NoShamevember. You game?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
