im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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