Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
