remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
