Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
