I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity