I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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