I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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